High school can often be described as an awkward confinement – a prime breeding ground for mortification with nowhere to run. I felt like its prized guinea pig. I had my friends and my classic literature, but what I didn’t have was the courage to talk to people I didn’t know, especially the popular kids who carried themselves easily – who seemed to avoid high school mortification. The lucky ones. They didn’t seem to struggle with small talk like I did.
I have a memory that explains my struggle quite well. A rather mortifying one. As I returned from a bathroom trip and walked down the the hallway, I saw Sam Moore. I knew him ever since I moved to Mapleton years before and heard about his many flirtations and experienced his evening bagpipe playing in his backyard. Was he intimidating? No. Did I know his name? Of course I did. What was the problem? You tell me.
As Sam and I came closer in the hallway, he waved. “Hey Savannah!”
If I was a normal human I would have replied, “Hi Sam! How you doing?” I don’t think being normal was part of the whole high-school-mortification program. Instead, I said:
“Hi Savannah!”
An endless pause. Then Sam erupted in laughter. “Did you just call me by your name?”
Yes. Yes, I did. With nowhere to run and my face as red as my hair, I laughed with him and hurried away, feeling the physical pain of shame and embarrassment every time I recalled my idiocy.
See what I mean? Small talk was not a skill I claimed. So when Jennifer Latson’s article “The Secret to Small Talk” popped up on a google search (don’t blame me for searching), I jumped on it. I had to know that simple secret.
Here’s what I learned. The secret to small talk is not sticking to a formula, such as starting with a compliment, asking how a person is doing, then choosing an appealing and common topic to start a conversation. It’s being earnest and genuine in putting yourself out there and connecting with others. It is, in fact, being awkward and accepting flaws in interaction for the sake of that connection. Jennifer Latson expresses this through telling a story of a boy who has William’s syndrome, which makes him very friendly and outgoing. In his conversations, he makes mistakes such as calling someone by the wrong name and asking about unique qualities and flaws such as acne or a deep voice. Latson shows that in each of these encounters, the boy is readily forgiven because of his genuine earnestness to connect with people and friendliness. This is the secret: for excellent small talk, one must have a genuine desire to connect with someone and accept that mistakes will be made.
In applying this secret to my life, the awkward high school situation above has greater hope. Instead of dwelling on the mortification in calling Sam my own name and walking away blushing red, staying and connecting with Sam could have been a better remedy.
After reading Jennifer Latson’s article, I am relieved to learn there are others who struggle with small talk like I do. I also have an increased aspiration to get at the heart of small talk – connection. Knowing this secret doesn’t mean talking is any easier, but I have hope for better times ahead, accepting all the awkwardness and mortification that may come.